"The future's got me worried, such awful thoughts.
My head's a carousel of pictures.
The spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
and I'll follow the leader."
"I know I should be brave
but I'm just too afraid of all this change.
And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt."
"And so I've learned to retreat at the first sign of danger.
I mean, why wait around if it's just to surrender?
An ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure."
[In the most emo move of the century, these are Bright Eyes lyrics to show how I feel.]
My whole being is infused with discord. I can't decide what I want to do when I graduate, I can't decide who I want to spend these last remaining weeks with, and I can't find anywhere in me the desire to actually finish my schoolwork.
I want out of here, sometimes so bad I can envision myself hopping on the back of a train passing by the CVS and heading to nowhere, finally free.
At the same time, I want to stay so badly that I have entertained nice little fantasies of failing a class so I don't graduate and can stay here another semester. I'm simultaneously sick of and adore everyone here.
I blow off invitations to parties, but wish someone would hang out with me.
I get annoyed when people ask me about "what happened" but am more annoyed when they don't.
I'm frustrated with failed relationships, especially this late in my time here, but I can't find any way to reconcile them in this short amount of time.
There isn't enough time left! Not enough time to have as many gullie bonfires as I wish I'd gone to, not enough late night talks on Scott Field, definitely not enough hand holding or kissing... and it's all basically over.
I hate feeling gross like this.
Maybe I will move to Austin.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
P and J-ness
I've been thinking a lot lately on the difference between P's and J's (this is Myers-Brigg talk, here). I am such a P. The P-est (note the similarity of that to the word "pest")(I also like using parenthesis a lot).
The internet defines a P as:
Perceivers like to go with the flow. If they have a "to do" list, it will likely be just a scrap of paper. They are always looking for new information. They put off making decisions because there might just be that last little bit of information that would help them make a better decision. Perceivers follow an "event" schedule. They are waiting for everything to come together, and then at the right moment, they are energized to make their move. Unfortunately, sometimes things never come together and they lack the energy to achieve what was expected of them.
Perceivers tend to be much messier, and woe betide you if you try to straighten up their mess. Even if it looks chaotic, they know exactly where everything is.
and a J as:
Judgers are very organized. They like to "plan their work and work their plan." A Judger likely has a day planner or if she doesn't have one, she carries one around in her head. Work is carried out in an orderly fashion. Even holidays need to follow a plan.
There is a place for everything and everything should be in its place. Judgers like things to be in order. The Judging housekeeper likes everything put away. Don't just drop your coat at the door; pick it up and put it in the closet.
This is all so enlightening for me. Emily is a total J - she makes lists, does her homework before she hangs out with people, and generally needs to know what we're doing where and what time we'll be back. I guess I never realized that people functioned out of that mentality. Most of my friends in high school were so much like me that I think I had a hard time coming here and appreciating crazy-organized people.
At the extreme, the Judging person sees the Perceiver as being disorganized, having no plan and generally not a very worthwhile person. The Perceiving person sees the Judger as too rigid, wasting time making up a lot of silly rules, and generally being a killjoy. Judgers like to work before they play. Perceivers like to make work become play.
I am so freaking intrigued by all of this! We're all so different! I mean, people have always said that, and you know it, but this is something so fundamentally divergent. Realizing this difference has completely changed the way I approach J's because now I know that someone like Emily isn't scheduling me out of her life, but scheduling time for me to be in her life. Man. Who knew.
The internet defines a P as:
Perceivers like to go with the flow. If they have a "to do" list, it will likely be just a scrap of paper. They are always looking for new information. They put off making decisions because there might just be that last little bit of information that would help them make a better decision. Perceivers follow an "event" schedule. They are waiting for everything to come together, and then at the right moment, they are energized to make their move. Unfortunately, sometimes things never come together and they lack the energy to achieve what was expected of them.
Perceivers tend to be much messier, and woe betide you if you try to straighten up their mess. Even if it looks chaotic, they know exactly where everything is.
and a J as:
Judgers are very organized. They like to "plan their work and work their plan." A Judger likely has a day planner or if she doesn't have one, she carries one around in her head. Work is carried out in an orderly fashion. Even holidays need to follow a plan.
There is a place for everything and everything should be in its place. Judgers like things to be in order. The Judging housekeeper likes everything put away. Don't just drop your coat at the door; pick it up and put it in the closet.
This is all so enlightening for me. Emily is a total J - she makes lists, does her homework before she hangs out with people, and generally needs to know what we're doing where and what time we'll be back. I guess I never realized that people functioned out of that mentality. Most of my friends in high school were so much like me that I think I had a hard time coming here and appreciating crazy-organized people.
At the extreme, the Judging person sees the Perceiver as being disorganized, having no plan and generally not a very worthwhile person. The Perceiving person sees the Judger as too rigid, wasting time making up a lot of silly rules, and generally being a killjoy. Judgers like to work before they play. Perceivers like to make work become play.
I am so freaking intrigued by all of this! We're all so different! I mean, people have always said that, and you know it, but this is something so fundamentally divergent. Realizing this difference has completely changed the way I approach J's because now I know that someone like Emily isn't scheduling me out of her life, but scheduling time for me to be in her life. Man. Who knew.
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