I mean, why wait around if it's just to surrender?

"The future's got me worried, such awful thoughts.
My head's a carousel of pictures.
The spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
and I'll follow the leader."

"I know I should be brave
but I'm just too afraid of all this change.
And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt."

"And so I've learned to retreat at the first sign of danger.
I mean, why wait around if it's just to surrender?
An ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure."

[In the most emo move of the century, these are Bright Eyes lyrics to show how I feel.]

My whole being is infused with discord. I can't decide what I want to do when I graduate, I can't decide who I want to spend these last remaining weeks with, and I can't find anywhere in me the desire to actually finish my schoolwork.
I want out of here, sometimes so bad I can envision myself hopping on the back of a train passing by the CVS and heading to nowhere, finally free.
At the same time, I want to stay so badly that I have entertained nice little fantasies of failing a class so I don't graduate and can stay here another semester. I'm simultaneously sick of and adore everyone here.
I blow off invitations to parties, but wish someone would hang out with me.
I get annoyed when people ask me about "what happened" but am more annoyed when they don't.
I'm frustrated with failed relationships, especially this late in my time here, but I can't find any way to reconcile them in this short amount of time.
There isn't enough time left! Not enough time to have as many gullie bonfires as I wish I'd gone to, not enough late night talks on Scott Field, definitely not enough hand holding or kissing... and it's all basically over.

I hate feeling gross like this.

Maybe I will move to Austin.