The distant moaning of a train seems to play a sad refrain through the night

Agape is over and I feel like I have my life back. Thank you, I like having a grip on it again. It went well, people were happy, junior high girls got autographs, and high schoolers got to purchase t-shirts with logos of popular brands changed ever so slightly to make them Christian - "Godiswiser" for Budweiser, "Abreadcrumb & Fish" for Abercrombie & Fitch.

I really enjoyed myself. But as I was sitting in my golf cart, waiting for a couple of straggling Steller Kart members to mosy on over, the bassist asked me why I wanted to get into the music business. And I didn't know what to tell him. Why do I? Is this some whim that I've been following for the past 4 or 5 years? What if I don't end up wanting to do it? Is it too late to change my mind? I've almost graduated, my resume is stuffed with all of these credentials as to why I'd be amazing in this business, I have an internship at EMI-CMG in Artist Development, and I'm still thinking, "What if I want to be a writer?" or "What if I end up as a mom who doesn't want a career?" What if I've wasted the entirety of my college experience working towards something I woke up one day 5 years ago and decided I wanted to do?

I start to panic myself with these thoughts.

And it's not like I don't love it - I really do, it's just that I'm worried that I'm limiting myself. My friend Conor, he's in Korea for a year teaching English. What if I wanted to? Could I fit it in between internships and masters degrees and the madness of Nashville job searching? And even if I work this hard, is there any guarentee to being something significant? I could end up like Brooke - a music business major, president of MEISA, intern at EMI, top of her class - and now living outside of Nashville in a small 4 room apartment working for the Gideons. Yeah, the Gideons who leave Bibles everywhere.

I don't know why I'm feeling cynical all of a sudden. I'm glad I know what I want to do with my life, but for some reason I feel like I'm being pressured into something I'm not sure I agree with - which is weird because it's me who's been doing the pressuring. I don't know how I feel about "Christian" music - strike that, I do know how I feel. So why am I going to be working all summer at a place that's in charge of pretty much every significant Christian band in America?

Boo. I think I just need a nap.